Kicked!

So I know most of you are wondering what has been going on the last few days. I has been kinda crazy. Day before yesterday I went out like I normally do to work with Spade. When I entered the pen he wasn't interested in coming to me or putting on the halter at all. I knew that he was going to be a challenge. I had to run him in multiple laps around the pen to get him thinking. The only thing that I could figure was that we mowed the day before and maybe it spooked him worse than it seemed. But he was different. Mistake number one was when I just ignored his skittishness and went on about my business and started working through all his drills. Recently I have noticed that his feet have been getting harder to move, kinda like an old kid horse, that was mistake number two. I also noticed that he was way spookier on his right side then the left and I ignored that, mistake number three.  I can't tell you why I haven't addressed these problems...call it lazy or just trusting that further training will fix the issues. None the less I moved on. Being he was extra spooky I pulled out the trusty grocery bag and started rubbing. Again he seemed fine, just different. Again I pushed my gut feeling aside and moved on. I began to flex his head around on the halter to the left. He did really good so I changed to the right side. The side that I had noticed him having a little more trouble with. I flexed him a few times and he did great. On last time I pulled him around and held him and he decided to to jerk his head back. Out of habit I held the tension. The halter clamped down on his face and it was on. His flight reflex kicked in and he jumped forward out of fear. As his front feet hit the ground his back feet came flying back at me. I heard a loud pop and felt an intense pain in my knee. When I opened my eyes and found myself lying on my side in the middle of the round pen. The first thoughts were "He just shattered my knee...". I started fumbling for my phone to call my husband. As it rang, I rolled on my back and looked for Spades location in the pen to make sure he wasn't going to come back. He was standing at the back with a puzzled look on his face. He didn't understand what he had done at all. I could barely move my left leg. I heard Danial's voice coming up behind me asking if I was ok. I explained to him that I thought my knee was broke. He came in the pen and started helping me up. When I put weight on it I knew that the joint was just in shock from the hit and that it was probably just bruised. I knew that I was going to have to get back to Spade right away and act like it never happened. I wanted to erase the memory out of his mind as soon as possible. I hopped around the pen for another fifteen minutes and worked a few more drills but this time I made sure they were all at a distance. After that I went in the house took a shower and started icing my knee.
As I thought about what happened that evening I could feel the fear start coming at me and my confidence in Spade and myself start to lower. The devil was creeping up in my mind telling me that I am crazy and that I need just quit. The fear of going back out there and finishing what I started was getting to me. I even thought about calling the BLM and telling them to come and take him back. Then on the other hand I heard "you can't quit you aren't a quitter". "There are so many that are rooting for you...and the ones that don't believe in you, you can't prove them right. You must keep trying. This too shall pass." After a long battle in my mind and a good cry(YES, I cried). I decided that I am better then a quitter. And Spade is going to be the coolest horse in the long run.
I took the day off yesterday for the benefit barrel race that was in our arena. It was a great day we had over 120 riders total. As the day went by I asked many trainers and seasoned horse owners if they had ever broke a kicker from kicking. I was shocked to find out that only one person out of everyone I asked had even dealt with a kicker. Most of the trainers won't even take them in. That alone helped my confidence because I figured that I was lacking because I didn't know what to do with him. Come to find out no one else knows either. I did hear some good ideas from all my friends online and at the race. Last night I prayed in the shower (the shower is my thinking spot, hehe). I wanted God to tell me what I could do to help Spade. He gave me a really great and fun idea...But you will have to stay tuned til tomorrow to see what happens next. I took today off to prepare and regroup before I work with him tomorrow. I pray my idea works. It is kinda unconventional.
I have to say that the last few days has put me in a vulnerable spot. I have learned that some times things don't move at the pace that you want it to. There is a time where you have to step back and take your time listen to the Lord. Even in our relationship with him. In 1 Cor 3:6 says that only God gives us increase. This is one of those times in my life that I realize that I need to take my time and wait on God to help me with every step. People have a tendency to only ask for Gods help on the big things in life. They think that God is to busy for things like "training a horse". But the truth is that he care even about your "little stuff". He has plenty of time for it all.